if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm really busy with my period
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