i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
