i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
