Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
