apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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