I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
