I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
