At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
