So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
