I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
