Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
