Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
