I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
