Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
