i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Oh god it's open bar.
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