Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Randomize
