If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
