the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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