Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
