i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
