if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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