My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
God, I missed his penis.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
