We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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