you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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