I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
