i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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