brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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