Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
