You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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