Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
