Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
