with your own penis?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
