2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
