First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
