I swear god or herbie drove my car home
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
