I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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