Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
