I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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