he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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