i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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