Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
