guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We're too hungover to prance.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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