Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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