Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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