You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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