I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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