i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
