Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
