the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
