Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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