um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
