Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
