oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
